No Pocket Love

Last night I started one of the most intellectual conversations of all time based on something that most humans take for granted: underwear pockets.

Go ahead, take a minute to soak up the complexity.

I had a long conversation with about 3 people who think that my idea makes no sense, but hear me out! Underwear needs pockets. I don’t know how the ladies feel about it because most women are minimalists, which is good. Men love skimpy clothes on you, don’t change that!! However, men are all about utilities. I was sitting on my bed last night in my underwear and I needed my 4th bowl of cereal and I had my phone. No pockets to put it in. What if I had gum and I wanted to take it with me! I like to walk around is boxer briefs and I like to have my breath smelling good. Does this make me weird for wanting the best of both worlds. What if I have loose change and I need to pick something up? Pockets are handy.

Underwear space is wasted for males. The time and energy they put into that weewee flap, that no man with a normal sized penis uses, could be put into making very usable pockets. Has anyone actually inspected this weewee flap? I did last night. Its like a maze! You have to put the penis left first, then slither it to the right as if you’re sneaking up on the toilet. I don’t want to surreptitious about peeing! Plus all that weaving may lead me to pee on the shoes of the guy next to me. Then we fight, and fall in a public restroom. That’s never good.

Making such a case deserves some kind of recognition if you ask me. I should write to all the major distributors about this. Underpockets. That could be where you keep your good shit. That way if you get robbed you have that emergency $20 waiting in your boxers/ boxer briefs/ tighty whiteys.

My idea was not received well by the masses. My friend KC made a note to not take any gum from me and warned me about my ass blowing bubbles. Thanks KC!

The moral of the story is that underwear needs pockets, and I will be on the front line of this battle.

Amen

(I’m way too tired to make this elaborate)

Fresh Meat, I Am Not

Working in retail helps me end up in awkward situations with awkward people all the time. There was that one guy who looked like Shaq, who bought $70 in lube, condoms, and wipes. Then there was that lady who is hard of hearing and yells at everyone. Then there’s that dude who looks like a bum but comes in and buys hundreds of dollars of electronics. Our store gets it popping, I’d say!

Today however was an encounter of the third kind. The third kind of course being stranger than the second kind, which by the law of numbers is statistically stranger than the first kind.

Anyway, I wear slim pants. My favorite trousers from H&M are my work pants. Dark and slim, just like me. So they serve well to keep my ass radar at peak efficiency. What is an ass radar you may ask. I’ll tell you!

Ass radar: detection device used to know when someone is staring at your ass.

Today, my ass radar went on red alert. I could feel it. Someone was staring at my ass as I bent down to pick up laxatives to put them on the shelf. So I turn around to see, quite frankly, the wrong crowd.

One man. One rather large man, staring, and I mean I’m surprised I didn’t have grill marks on my ass, staring! I turn fully towards him, he’s still staring from about 20 feet away. I say, well maybe he’s not. Maybe my ass is just paranoid. So I walk towards him to put away the items. He’s still staring.

“Is this dude checking me out?

I ask myself in utter confusion as I attempt to act as if I’m not bothered. As I turn the corner he looks at me and smiles. AWKWARD! Don’t smile at me! As I walk back I turn around again he’s still grilling! I hate that. The fact that I was walking around with string cheese in my mouth probably wasn’t helping, either.

Now, I’ve had gay guys compliment me. And I admit, its always awkward for me. Sometimes I say thank you, some times I just don’t acknowledge. They even do it when I’m with my girlfriend. She tells me I should be flattered that I’m attractive to both sexes. I say I should be shocked. Its just out of the norm for me. Simple.

And I have gay acquaintances. Some of them are some of the coolest people I know! I’m no homophobic.

Funny thought: they say most homophobics “end up” gay themselves. Do arachniphobics end up as spiders at some point? Spiderman?! =O!

Anyway, I tell my manager this, and we start joking about why we wouldn’t last in jail. It would be no fun, and I’m no ones “fresh meat”.

To make a weird day even weirder, I’d like to NOT thank that guy. You sir, need help. I’m not a hot piece of ass! Don’t try to turn me into one. Thank you.

P.S. For a gay man, your choice of shoes was horrendous.

Okay now I’m done.

The end.

Ka-Glom for BlackBerry

So lately I have gotten even more bored with my BlackBerry, however I need a reliable device and this thing is the king of reliability! After watching many videos of the game Angry Birds, I decided that I needed a game on my phone to kill the time besides BrickBreaker. Now this thing is NO COMPARISON TO THE AWESOME THAT IS ANGRY BIRDS (which will soon be on my Android device) but it is an awesome and addictive time killing, classic feeling, game. I present to you, Ka-Glom.

Ka-Glom has Classic mode, Network play (quick and easy sign up), Time Attack, and Puzzle World. It’s pretty self explanatory. I’m sure you can figure it out. Puzzle World is definitely the most challenging mode, I believe as there are something like 100 puzzles if I remember correctly.

To Ka-Glom is simple. Just match four or more jellies to make them explode. The bigger the  chain, the more points you get, as well as the same colored blocks in the vicinity being destroyed. Although this game is rather simple and very light on the graphics, it does make for an enjoyable classic gaming experience and there are even more hidden experiences to be unlocked as you progress.

Ka-Glom is available for all device on all carriers in every country with the exception of South Korea and Australia. Want to give this FREE game a try. Download it from BlackBerry App World here!

Locked Off

Failed expression is what led to my regression. The soul of a napalm held within this small bottle.

And in this small world, I can’t stretch my legs out and so I’m frustrated. Staring at the cap just waiting…

Please, just a breath of fresh air so I can explode off from the bottom and burn through my oppressors.

Learn from my successors, lay patient until the pressure becomes too much and you force them to let the chain go.

And when they do, turn back on them. Practice in your wait time. Learn how to slalom.

Weave through your obstacles. See ain’t nothing stopping you. Burn until you can’t feel. Let their power be your last meal.

Bad Habit

Say you don’t love me but of course I just refuse, to see between the lines of all the times you just elude.

To me you’re a vixen, I mean my addiction. I mean my prescription. I’d love to overdose.

I’d lay in comatose with painted smile upon my face and lay in style upon my grace of knowing I was the artist.

A pretty picture was painted and you depict it as the mastery of loving in disaster, see…

I love when you touch me. Hit me ’til I bleed and yell. You run through my veins, and I want you to see yourself.

You want to see my heart? If I cut it out and place it in your hands, will you show it to your friends or shove it in your pocket and begin to just pretend…

I don’t exist to you. I’m hit or miss to you. Bitch, I’m the bomb. At your heart I aim my missiles through.

Yes, through and not at it. This is the second time; (b)ad ha(b)it.

So now I’m left with time on this rooftop. Just watched my shoes drop. I have to chase them. With you, my time is wasting.