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Posts tagged ‘stories’

Fresh Meat, I Am Not

Working in retail helps me end up in awkward situations with awkward people all the time. There was that one guy who looked like Shaq, who bought $70 in lube, condoms, and wipes. Then there was that lady who is hard of hearing and yells at everyone. Then there’s that dude who looks like a bum but comes in and buys hundreds of dollars of electronics. Our store gets it popping, I’d say!

Today however was an encounter of the third kind. The third kind of course being stranger than the second kind, which by the law of numbers is statistically stranger than the first kind.

Anyway, I wear slim pants. My favorite trousers from H&M are my work pants. Dark and slim, just like me. So they serve well to keep my ass radar at peak efficiency. What is an ass radar you may ask. I’ll tell you!

Ass radar: detection device used to know when someone is staring at your ass.

Today, my ass radar went on red alert. I could feel it. Someone was staring at my ass as I bent down to pick up laxatives to put them on the shelf. So I turn around to see, quite frankly, the wrong crowd.

One man. One rather large man, staring, and I mean I’m surprised I didn’t have grill marks on my ass, staring! I turn fully towards him, he’s still staring from about 20 feet away. I say, well maybe he’s not. Maybe my ass is just paranoid. So I walk towards him to put away the items. He’s still staring.

“Is this dude checking me out?

I ask myself in utter confusion as I attempt to act as if I’m not bothered. As I turn the corner he looks at me and smiles. AWKWARD! Don’t smile at me! As I walk back I turn around again he’s still grilling! I hate that.┬áThe fact that I was walking around with string cheese in my mouth probably wasn’t helping, either.

Now, I’ve had gay guys compliment me. And I admit, its always awkward for me. Sometimes I say thank you, some times I just don’t acknowledge. They even do it when I’m with my girlfriend. She tells me I should be flattered that I’m attractive to both sexes. I say I should be shocked. Its just out of the norm for me. Simple.

And I have gay acquaintances. Some of them are some of the coolest people I know! I’m no homophobic.

Funny thought: they say most homophobics “end up” gay themselves. Do arachniphobics end up as spiders at some point? Spiderman?! =O!

Anyway, I tell my manager this, and we start joking about why we wouldn’t last in jail. It would be no fun, and I’m no ones “fresh meat”.

To make a weird day even weirder, I’d like to NOT thank that guy. You sir, need help. I’m not a hot piece of ass! Don’t try to turn me into one. Thank you.

P.S. For a gay man, your choice of shoes was horrendous.

Okay now I’m done.

The end.

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