So many words. Not enough paper in this world. Don't hurt the trees over me.

Posts tagged ‘work’

Shoplift Facial Fuzzie

Another day another dollar. Had to roll out earlier today for our 7:45am meeting that was awesomely pointless, in my opinion. Today was crazy vicious on my throat. It’s getting worse, but chugging like a gallon of orange juice a day keeps me pretty grounded all around. More xmas truck coming in, but no one buying this crap yet.

They say more money more problems. My question is, are the problems for the person with the more money or all the other motherfuckers with less money? I got a small raise, I get more shit. I’m supposed to live up to these things. Am I the only one who realizes I don’t take this shit that serious? I just happen to be a hard worker. Simple. I don’t slack.

Catching up with school is a bitch right now. I don’t know what to do. Tonight I will be pulling an all-nighter. Stocked up on green tea, cereal, and deodorant. The deodorant will not be used to keep me awake and entertained, however I will smell good.

Look at this blog post. It’s so sloppy. It’s all over the board. Today, I saw something sad at work.

I was going to buy something when I turn around and see two little kids, who couldn’t have been any older than 6 years old, boosting candy. I wait until they put the stuff in their pockets. It starts.

Excuse me. Excuse me! Hi. Why are you guys stealing candy?

They turn around and my “stern” goes limp as I see myself in these kids (minus the theft part). So I ask them why they’re stealing candy. No answer. I tell them if they want it to just ask their mom or dad. And then the pause. “Where are your parents?!” They tell me, “he’s outside.” Okay, well why the fuck is he sending 5 or 6 year olds into a store to get shit?!

I ask them politely to put the candy back. I mean come on, they’re kids! So they put it back and walk towards the back whispering when I notice they have two more things in their hands. So I ask where they were going. They said they were “putting these back”. Yeah right kid! So I ask them to bring it to me and I will put it back for them. They walk out of the store and I turn around to everyone and I’m like…

Can I legally go outside and talk to that man about him sending his kids in here to boost for him?

I don’t think I could. But gotdamn, I wanted to so bad! That’s sad when this is the shit you got your kids doing. I hate that. Some people don’t deserve the privilege of having kids. They use them as tools.

The day was sort of long, but one thing made it all worthwhile. I took a few pieces of felt and decided to cut them up after one of my co-workers found it. This was the end result lol…

This is my boy ya-mizzle. He takes himself so seriously so this made my day when he saw it ahahahahha.

Now I’m off to write papers and attempt to ignore my shoddy social life lol.

Peace’d. ;D

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Fresh Meat, I Am Not

Working in retail helps me end up in awkward situations with awkward people all the time. There was that one guy who looked like Shaq, who bought $70 in lube, condoms, and wipes. Then there was that lady who is hard of hearing and yells at everyone. Then there’s that dude who looks like a bum but comes in and buys hundreds of dollars of electronics. Our store gets it popping, I’d say!

Today however was an encounter of the third kind. The third kind of course being stranger than the second kind, which by the law of numbers is statistically stranger than the first kind.

Anyway, I wear slim pants. My favorite trousers from H&M are my work pants. Dark and slim, just like me. So they serve well to keep my ass radar at peak efficiency. What is an ass radar you may ask. I’ll tell you!

Ass radar: detection device used to know when someone is staring at your ass.

Today, my ass radar went on red alert. I could feel it. Someone was staring at my ass as I bent down to pick up laxatives to put them on the shelf. So I turn around to see, quite frankly, the wrong crowd.

One man. One rather large man, staring, and I mean I’m surprised I didn’t have grill marks on my ass, staring! I turn fully towards him, he’s still staring from about 20 feet away. I say, well maybe he’s not. Maybe my ass is just paranoid. So I walk towards him to put away the items. He’s still staring.

“Is this dude checking me out?

I ask myself in utter confusion as I attempt to act as if I’m not bothered. As I turn the corner he looks at me and smiles. AWKWARD! Don’t smile at me! As I walk back I turn around again he’s still grilling! I hate that. The fact that I was walking around with string cheese in my mouth probably wasn’t helping, either.

Now, I’ve had gay guys compliment me. And I admit, its always awkward for me. Sometimes I say thank you, some times I just don’t acknowledge. They even do it when I’m with my girlfriend. She tells me I should be flattered that I’m attractive to both sexes. I say I should be shocked. Its just out of the norm for me. Simple.

And I have gay acquaintances. Some of them are some of the coolest people I know! I’m no homophobic.

Funny thought: they say most homophobics “end up” gay themselves. Do arachniphobics end up as spiders at some point? Spiderman?! =O!

Anyway, I tell my manager this, and we start joking about why we wouldn’t last in jail. It would be no fun, and I’m no ones “fresh meat”.

To make a weird day even weirder, I’d like to NOT thank that guy. You sir, need help. I’m not a hot piece of ass! Don’t try to turn me into one. Thank you.

P.S. For a gay man, your choice of shoes was horrendous.

Okay now I’m done.

The end.

Beware The Box

If you saw the prior blog post, you’d know how intense the box prank was. This time, I took my camera into work and we got some footage.

Although this footage is nowhere, and I mean nowhere, close to the original run, it was still funny as hell for us and just a little exclusive peak at what it’s like to work with us :).

Mobile viewers can watch it here

You Scare Me To Reeses

Tonight was definitely the home of my first true Walgreens memory, hands down!

Its nearing closing time and one of my co-workers comes in to get something. He’s not working, just needed to pick something up. So he gets it, and we’re talking but my manager pages me to call her back. He instead, pages her to joke around. She says cool, can you both come downstairs and help me out real quick.

We descend down the stairs, both clueless as to what is going on. We figured she just wants to talk about something for tomorrow. We get downstairs and she asks us to help her move this big box. We both get closer and the second we touch it, the magic begins.

One of my other co-workers is in the box. She jumps out with a Scream mask on! I barely flinch, and I’m not saying this because I’m the author, I’m just not scared by pop-out-of-nowhere stuff so easily. Creepy sounds will get me in the dark before someone jumping out will.

Anyway, as I take a step back, caught off guard, the dude that came down with me TAKES THE FUCK OFF!!! My man ran like 20 feet and onto boxes before he looked back!! If you know me, you know I laugh my ass the fuck off. I immediately hit the ground!! My manager falls over me in laughter. 2 grown ass people on the floor holding our stomachs! It was hilarious!!!!

Not only did he run, but my manager had a better view of him the entire time. She sees him jump so hard his Reeses fly out of his hand, he shuffles his feet like a cartoon character, then as he’s running he’s trying so hard to catch the Reeses. It was beautiful! We laughed so hard he got embarrassed, but he’ll live.

Now the plan is to catch everyone! Unfortunately, we didn’t tape this and the security cams aren’t in that one block so there’s no footage. But I’m taking in my camera tomorrow for round 2. Hopefully we can get some ill footage! If we do, you can bet your grandmother it’s going to be here on the my videos page, as well as have an independent post in full detail.

He may not be the one to go with to scary shit, but you damn sure better believe I know who my teammate is if we ever have a relay race!

Note: A grown man came in before that and picked up a Shake Weight and showed his wife how it works. No man should ever show a woman that he knows how to use a Shake Weight and no woman should be with a man who finds the Shake Weight to be cool.

Fin.

Retail Weirdos United

Working 3 to 10:30 until Monday kind of blows. However, working in retail is always fun when it comes to the weirdos. Yesterday was a prime example.

Yesterday, it’s about 5 o’clock when I hear someone screaming,

Yeah wha-eva wha-eva nigga!

Assuming there is going to be a fight I walk to the front. What do I see? Some hoodrat running into our store staying in plain view of the security cameras as some dude rushes in ready to play Super Punchout with her face. There she stands, taunting him with her hood vernacular while he tightens his fist. We (3 boys) get closer. One of my co-workers crosses paths with them, and the dude almost goes to fight him thinking he was about to get at him. No incident though, we just stay close. Fisticuffs then tells the chick that she can’t hide forever. He walks out… this dumb broad walks out behind him. We would have gotten in if he hit her, but nobody is leaving the store to defend you when you’re following that muthafucker. That’s your issue, parking lot pimpin’!

Hours pass without any significant incident. We close at 10pm. It’s now 9:56pm and this lady walks in with her son to check out the clearance cart. She bends down and goes,

Do I have any crack showing? ‘Cause that’s not sexy!

One or two of my co-workers looked and this lady was fueled. She might be a stripper or something because once the glance, which they took more out of not comprehending what she said than wanting to see her ass crack, took place the show began. She keeps this conversation about her ass going for about 3 or 4 minutes. Saying that she saw one of my co-workers check it out. We’re all dying laughing and then I hear over the intercom a womans voice announcing the store closing. It was just one of the guys joking around though. So the crack gets to the register and begins laughing about how she loves coming here at night because we’re funny. Meanwhile we’re thinking no… YOU’RE funny!

After checking out, my co-worker steps up on the platform and asks,

If I was this tall would you date me?

Her response sent his brain down to Mardi Gras. She looks at him and says,

Yeah, I guess it could work. It would be the perfect height.

As she says this she practically salutes his penis, grabs her sons hand, and walks out like nothing ever happened.

My co-worker now, walks her to the door, locks it and just stares at her as she turns around, both of them probably thinking the same thing.

Damn, I could have gotten some sex tonight!

Retail rawks my world!

Closing and Opening

Today was the first day I opened the store so damn early. Last time I did, I was given 45 more minutes to come back to life. There I was, at 7:39am, ready for work and locked outside. I tap the glass like 4 times and out comes Elena. She’s in full zombie mode. I guess she got there a few minutes before me since she’s still in slippers.

I woke up with no energy from so little sleep since I stayed up after we closed last night. About 4 hours of sleep. I can deal with that. But a bum tummy this morning left me with no option but to pass on the breakfast. This made my day the longest of all time.

I worked from 7:45am to 3:15pm on pure fumes. Give me fumes and I’ll make you a fuckin rock star though! I needed energy quickly. So I made it. I have now officially been labelled the craziest employee in the store, but the most fun. I sang every song in the book, or rather on the store radio. Full high pitch, sounding like a girl, and walking around like I was one of Hitler’s long lost soldiers (minus the heil).

Between skipping up and down aisles like a school girl and telling people to enjoy their milk responsibly, I was dead tired! At one point I fell asleep with my forehead on a bottle of water. How I managed to balance my body on that without slamming down to the counter is beyond me.

This entire day made me really get a hang of the whole mind over matter thing. I can psyche myself into anything fairly easy. It’s the not looking at the clock part that’s hardest. Once again today, I got stuck with main. I hate main! I’d much rather be on the floor where the action is and I don’t have to deal with people asking me why the cigarettes are so expensive. You smoked a pack on the way here lady. What the hell are you acting surprised for?!

Anyway, the close to open is rough! Next time, I need to bring some proper entertainment. I am open to suggestions. Also, if you have an oompa loompa or know where I can get one so I can sit on its shoulders, please… do not hesitate to let me know. Thank you!

Coupon and KY Jelly Season

Since I’ve been working at WG I’ve encountered some weird people from day to day. I don’t spend too much time on the register, but the few times that I am, damn does it get weird, funny, and down right annoying!

There are a few types of customers:

  • Smart shoppers
  • Cheap motherfuckers
  • REALLY cheap motherfuckers
  • Pay via pocket change
  • No  speaky English

and my favorite…

  • Hey! I came to buy 70 bucks in KY Jelly, condoms, and wipes. Don’t judge me.

My story begins with a customer who comes in way too often for the same shit. I understand its back to school time and you want to save on some stuff, but dude, just because you have 5 kids does not mean you need to make 5 different transactions. Here he is, yet a(fucking)gain, Asian dude, lowest voice ever, 5 midgets with him, more product that the average Columbian drug dealer, and a fetish for paying with exact change, no matter how long it takes for him to find this change. Oh you have a debit card in your hand! Not using that? Okay, I can wait. But the 6 people behind you want to chop your balls off and play tennis with them, just so you know.

Next there are these East Indian people who also come in way too often. At least the Asian dude pays me with bills, and exact change when its under the next dollar. This lady however, always shows up with kids and friends, but shes the only one who ever buys something. Here she is, with like 10 folders, 5 notebooks, and so many pencils even a sharpener blade would say,

This bitch can’t be serious!

I agree with the blade. She can’t be. If your total is $3.90 after you bought about 10 bucks in products and came with an army of coupons that you somehow couldn’t decipher, please by all means, pay with a fucking dollar bill somewhere in here! Nope! Bill nazi. No bill for me. Instead, I get change like Martin Luther King made it happen. I mean change like maybe 3 quarters change. Look out for the nickels, dimes, and all sorts of penny action making me feel like the worlds most frugal pimp.

Them: Hola.

Me: Hi, how are you? Need help with anything?

Them: *silence*

Me: Do… you… need help with anything???

Them: *points to paper in hand*

Me: Okay what do you need??

Them: *Looks at friend with puzzled look*

Me: Oh! You no speaky English. Okay, don’t move. I’ll be back. But you don’t even know what I’m saying. *Listens, but has no clue what they’re saying now*

Sex sells. People buy. My first sex encounter at this job was odd enough with a side of serious face. I’m at register, just learning the codes and such when in walks this dude who looks like Shaq with the height of Jadakiss. He storms in, I think nothing of it. He comes back  5 minutes later with condoms, enough KY jelly to coat 3 loaves of bread, and wipes. I got to admit the wipes did it for me. I guess he’s prepared for the anal leakage. As I look up from the items, he gives me this look, with sunglasses on that said very clearly,

Judge me and I’ll kill you, slim boy!

So I didn’t judge the man. He payed, 70 bucks, he left, I almost fell laughing upon his exit. I was hoping he didn’t turn around and crush me. He didn’t, for those of you concerned with my safety. All 1 of you. Hi babe :D!

The next strange sex encounter was with this lady who came up to pay for condoms, with what appeared to be her child. Her, over 40 clearly. Him, under 16 seemingly. He’s carrying the basket. He hands her the items, the fourth being condoms. So I look at him, look at her, look at him, adjust my eyebrows, look at her. Okayyyyyy. I wonder… are you, miss, buying this so your son knows you’re about to get some ass? Are you buying this for him to get some ass?! Maybe I’m just weird, but I’m old school like that. Parents and sex don’t mix. I could never see me going with my mom to get condoms. I remember the first time I got some and it was the most nerve wrecking situation of all time lol. Maybe one day I’ll spit it out over here.

Anyway, all in all, work kills me with the type of people that come in. Apparently, I haven’t heard anything yet though. My co-workers have far funnier stories to share. Maybe one day I’ll have those for you too. Who knows. All I do know is the next person to come up to me with 5 items, 5 coupons and 3 vouchers to try to make a 15 dollar purchase come out to 15 cents might get dropkicked in the neck area.

Word to your mother.

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