So many words. Not enough paper in this world. Don't hurt the trees over me.

Posts tagged ‘funny’

Shoplift Facial Fuzzie

Another day another dollar. Had to roll out earlier today for our 7:45am meeting that was awesomely pointless, in my opinion. Today was crazy vicious on my throat. It’s getting worse, but chugging like a gallon of orange juice a day keeps me pretty grounded all around. More xmas truck coming in, but no one buying this crap yet.

They say more money more problems. My question is, are the problems for the person with the more money or all the other motherfuckers with less money? I got a small raise, I get more shit. I’m supposed to live up to these things. Am I the only one who realizes I don’t take this shit that serious? I just happen to be a hard worker. Simple. I don’t slack.

Catching up with school is a bitch right now. I don’t know what to do. Tonight I will be pulling an all-nighter. Stocked up on green tea, cereal, and deodorant. The deodorant will not be used to keep me awake and entertained, however I will smell good.

Look at this blog post. It’s so sloppy. It’s all over the board. Today, I saw something sad at work.

I was going to buy something when I turn around and see two little kids, who couldn’t have been any older than 6 years old, boosting candy. I wait until they put the stuff in their pockets. It starts.

Excuse me. Excuse me! Hi. Why are you guys stealing candy?

They turn around and my “stern” goes limp as I see myself in these kids (minus the theft part). So I ask them why they’re stealing candy. No answer. I tell them if they want it to just ask their mom or dad. And then the pause. “Where are your parents?!” They tell me, “he’s outside.” Okay, well why the fuck is he sending 5 or 6 year olds into a store to get shit?!

I ask them politely to put the candy back. I mean come on, they’re kids! So they put it back and walk towards the back whispering when I notice they have two more things in their hands. So I ask where they were going. They said they were “putting these back”. Yeah right kid! So I ask them to bring it to me and I will put it back for them. They walk out of the store and I turn around to everyone and I’m like…

Can I legally go outside and talk to that man about him sending his kids in here to boost for him?

I don’t think I could. But gotdamn, I wanted to so bad! That’s sad when this is the shit you got your kids doing. I hate that. Some people don’t deserve the privilege of having kids. They use them as tools.

The day was sort of long, but one thing made it all worthwhile. I took a few pieces of felt and decided to cut them up after one of my co-workers found it. This was the end result lol…

This is my boy ya-mizzle. He takes himself so seriously so this made my day when he saw it ahahahahha.

Now I’m off to write papers and attempt to ignore my shoddy social life lol.

Peace’d. ;D

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Fresh Meat, I Am Not

Working in retail helps me end up in awkward situations with awkward people all the time. There was that one guy who looked like Shaq, who bought $70 in lube, condoms, and wipes. Then there was that lady who is hard of hearing and yells at everyone. Then there’s that dude who looks like a bum but comes in and buys hundreds of dollars of electronics. Our store gets it popping, I’d say!

Today however was an encounter of the third kind. The third kind of course being stranger than the second kind, which by the law of numbers is statistically stranger than the first kind.

Anyway, I wear slim pants. My favorite trousers from H&M are my work pants. Dark and slim, just like me. So they serve well to keep my ass radar at peak efficiency. What is an ass radar you may ask. I’ll tell you!

Ass radar: detection device used to know when someone is staring at your ass.

Today, my ass radar went on red alert. I could feel it. Someone was staring at my ass as I bent down to pick up laxatives to put them on the shelf. So I turn around to see, quite frankly, the wrong crowd.

One man. One rather large man, staring, and I mean I’m surprised I didn’t have grill marks on my ass, staring! I turn fully towards him, he’s still staring from about 20 feet away. I say, well maybe he’s not. Maybe my ass is just paranoid. So I walk towards him to put away the items. He’s still staring.

“Is this dude checking me out?

I ask myself in utter confusion as I attempt to act as if I’m not bothered. As I turn the corner he looks at me and smiles. AWKWARD! Don’t smile at me! As I walk back I turn around again he’s still grilling! I hate that. The fact that I was walking around with string cheese in my mouth probably wasn’t helping, either.

Now, I’ve had gay guys compliment me. And I admit, its always awkward for me. Sometimes I say thank you, some times I just don’t acknowledge. They even do it when I’m with my girlfriend. She tells me I should be flattered that I’m attractive to both sexes. I say I should be shocked. Its just out of the norm for me. Simple.

And I have gay acquaintances. Some of them are some of the coolest people I know! I’m no homophobic.

Funny thought: they say most homophobics “end up” gay themselves. Do arachniphobics end up as spiders at some point? Spiderman?! =O!

Anyway, I tell my manager this, and we start joking about why we wouldn’t last in jail. It would be no fun, and I’m no ones “fresh meat”.

To make a weird day even weirder, I’d like to NOT thank that guy. You sir, need help. I’m not a hot piece of ass! Don’t try to turn me into one. Thank you.

P.S. For a gay man, your choice of shoes was horrendous.

Okay now I’m done.

The end.

Last Night She Dated Me

Last night, the babe decided to take ME out on a date. Such a gentleman she is :x.

We had an amazing time. Hit the city at our usual rendezvous point, Union Square. When I got there she had a blue bag in her hand and the contents of it rocked my world :D!!

Iron Man :D!!

:D Thriller!!!

We got some Chipotle (which is like sex for your taste buds) and ate on the steps and watched the weirdos of New York City go by! We’re just as weird, in our own way.

After that, a little venturing, copped some uh, beverages ;), and went to see The Expendables.

It was pure, unadulterated, shoot em up, bang bang, testosterone pumping, action. I loved it!! She thought “it was okay”. I don’t believe we watched the same movie lol. Either way, I had an amazing time and I hope she did too. Although she was sweet in all gestures, she did get a bit frisky in the theater. I like it rough. Hi baby! :D

Peace dweebs!

Beware The Box

If you saw the prior blog post, you’d know how intense the box prank was. This time, I took my camera into work and we got some footage.

Although this footage is nowhere, and I mean nowhere, close to the original run, it was still funny as hell for us and just a little exclusive peak at what it’s like to work with us :).

Mobile viewers can watch it here

You Scare Me To Reeses

Tonight was definitely the home of my first true Walgreens memory, hands down!

Its nearing closing time and one of my co-workers comes in to get something. He’s not working, just needed to pick something up. So he gets it, and we’re talking but my manager pages me to call her back. He instead, pages her to joke around. She says cool, can you both come downstairs and help me out real quick.

We descend down the stairs, both clueless as to what is going on. We figured she just wants to talk about something for tomorrow. We get downstairs and she asks us to help her move this big box. We both get closer and the second we touch it, the magic begins.

One of my other co-workers is in the box. She jumps out with a Scream mask on! I barely flinch, and I’m not saying this because I’m the author, I’m just not scared by pop-out-of-nowhere stuff so easily. Creepy sounds will get me in the dark before someone jumping out will.

Anyway, as I take a step back, caught off guard, the dude that came down with me TAKES THE FUCK OFF!!! My man ran like 20 feet and onto boxes before he looked back!! If you know me, you know I laugh my ass the fuck off. I immediately hit the ground!! My manager falls over me in laughter. 2 grown ass people on the floor holding our stomachs! It was hilarious!!!!

Not only did he run, but my manager had a better view of him the entire time. She sees him jump so hard his Reeses fly out of his hand, he shuffles his feet like a cartoon character, then as he’s running he’s trying so hard to catch the Reeses. It was beautiful! We laughed so hard he got embarrassed, but he’ll live.

Now the plan is to catch everyone! Unfortunately, we didn’t tape this and the security cams aren’t in that one block so there’s no footage. But I’m taking in my camera tomorrow for round 2. Hopefully we can get some ill footage! If we do, you can bet your grandmother it’s going to be here on the my videos page, as well as have an independent post in full detail.

He may not be the one to go with to scary shit, but you damn sure better believe I know who my teammate is if we ever have a relay race!

Note: A grown man came in before that and picked up a Shake Weight and showed his wife how it works. No man should ever show a woman that he knows how to use a Shake Weight and no woman should be with a man who finds the Shake Weight to be cool.

Fin.

Retail Weirdos United

Working 3 to 10:30 until Monday kind of blows. However, working in retail is always fun when it comes to the weirdos. Yesterday was a prime example.

Yesterday, it’s about 5 o’clock when I hear someone screaming,

Yeah wha-eva wha-eva nigga!

Assuming there is going to be a fight I walk to the front. What do I see? Some hoodrat running into our store staying in plain view of the security cameras as some dude rushes in ready to play Super Punchout with her face. There she stands, taunting him with her hood vernacular while he tightens his fist. We (3 boys) get closer. One of my co-workers crosses paths with them, and the dude almost goes to fight him thinking he was about to get at him. No incident though, we just stay close. Fisticuffs then tells the chick that she can’t hide forever. He walks out… this dumb broad walks out behind him. We would have gotten in if he hit her, but nobody is leaving the store to defend you when you’re following that muthafucker. That’s your issue, parking lot pimpin’!

Hours pass without any significant incident. We close at 10pm. It’s now 9:56pm and this lady walks in with her son to check out the clearance cart. She bends down and goes,

Do I have any crack showing? ‘Cause that’s not sexy!

One or two of my co-workers looked and this lady was fueled. She might be a stripper or something because once the glance, which they took more out of not comprehending what she said than wanting to see her ass crack, took place the show began. She keeps this conversation about her ass going for about 3 or 4 minutes. Saying that she saw one of my co-workers check it out. We’re all dying laughing and then I hear over the intercom a womans voice announcing the store closing. It was just one of the guys joking around though. So the crack gets to the register and begins laughing about how she loves coming here at night because we’re funny. Meanwhile we’re thinking no… YOU’RE funny!

After checking out, my co-worker steps up on the platform and asks,

If I was this tall would you date me?

Her response sent his brain down to Mardi Gras. She looks at him and says,

Yeah, I guess it could work. It would be the perfect height.

As she says this she practically salutes his penis, grabs her sons hand, and walks out like nothing ever happened.

My co-worker now, walks her to the door, locks it and just stares at her as she turns around, both of them probably thinking the same thing.

Damn, I could have gotten some sex tonight!

Retail rawks my world!

NYC I Need You

I’m on the hunt for ninja figurines/toys. I see so many that want like 7 to 10 bucks for one, but I don’t want anything large or even medium. I want something small.

I need you, New Yorkers, to help me find a quarter machine anywhere in the city that has ninja’s available. If you do find one, please leave a comment on this post with a picture or just send me the picture via Twitter. This is no laughing matter!!

Oh also, the babe and I saw a guy asking for money with this sign on Broadway yesterday. Just know that this was me and my team. So don’t flock around!

Thank you!

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