One of the toughest things in life can be to recognize that you aren’t as good as you think you are, and accept it, knowing it’s the truth. One of the toughest things in life is to say I’m sorry, especially when your jaded perception has left you with little clue as to where you went wrong. It doesn’t matter who said, did, broke what. The fact is that someone got hurt in the process. So I apologize.
Life changes in the blink of an eye. I’m lucky for everything I have, especially with my screwed up attitude. I take everything as a personal challenge, even the feelings of others expressed to me. I have an answer for everything. That’s what my dad used to say. I guess I really do, huh? I fire my words with little to no regard for how they may hurt another person. Completely uncalled for, I now understand. I lack respect. Respect for someones space. Respect for someones time and efforts. I admit, I do ask too much of people. There are certain things I’m very weak at. Those things, I begin to exercise today until I become stronger.
Crystal says she demands one thing – respect. Respect I haven’t given her. That kills me inside. To hear her the way she sounded broke me. I feel as if I’ve already lost her, it just takes one more push. My exes would smile reading this, as it is exactly what they were talking about. I never got it until now. I guess because I never cared like I do now. I’ve never before been afraid of someone leaving me, getting sick of me, hating me, the way I am now. I try, in general, to not let fear lead me. This situation, however, leaves me so afraid I don’t know which way to go. Hopefully, I can figure it out before it’s too late.
Between her and I, and this issue with her mom and I, this disaster has gotten far too out of hand and its about time I kill all the bullshit and step up to the plate and be a man about things. Stop viewing Crystal as my girlfriend, my possession, and start seeing her as a person, an individual with her own thoughts, feelings, actions, habits, and emotions. I wrote her mother a letter today, which I hope gets read. Only time will tell. If she never forgives me, or likes me, I guess I can deal with that. But I feel much better now to actually say something about it, say something to her, to let her know I love and respect her, as well.
All in all, I’ve realized that I’m not as good a person as I once thought I was. Nor am I as thoughtful as I once believed. Every day is a new opportunity to change something, and today is my first day on the job. I hope in time I can make a difference. Although I cannot do anything about the things I’ve done thus far, I hope to be able to create something new. Start off fresh. Maybe one day things will change for the better.
I prayed for forgiveness, I prayed for clarity. I thank God for my moment of it.