So many words. Not enough paper in this world. Don't hurt the trees over me.

Coupon and KY Jelly Season

Since I’ve been working at WG I’ve encountered some weird people from day to day. I don’t spend too much time on the register, but the few times that I am, damn does it get weird, funny, and down right annoying!

There are a few types of customers:

  • Smart shoppers
  • Cheap motherfuckers
  • REALLY cheap motherfuckers
  • Pay via pocket change
  • No  speaky English

and my favorite…

  • Hey! I came to buy 70 bucks in KY Jelly, condoms, and wipes. Don’t judge me.

My story begins with a customer who comes in way too often for the same shit. I understand its back to school time and you want to save on some stuff, but dude, just because you have 5 kids does not mean you need to make 5 different transactions. Here he is, yet a(fucking)gain, Asian dude, lowest voice ever, 5 midgets with him, more product that the average Columbian drug dealer, and a fetish for paying with exact change, no matter how long it takes for him to find this change. Oh you have a debit card in your hand! Not using that? Okay, I can wait. But the 6 people behind you want to chop your balls off and play tennis with them, just so you know.

Next there are these East Indian people who also come in way too often. At least the Asian dude pays me with bills, and exact change when its under the next dollar. This lady however, always shows up with kids and friends, but shes the only one who ever buys something. Here she is, with like 10 folders, 5 notebooks, and so many pencils even a sharpener blade would say,

This bitch can’t be serious!

I agree with the blade. She can’t be. If your total is $3.90 after you bought about 10 bucks in products and came with an army of coupons that you somehow couldn’t decipher, please by all means, pay with a fucking dollar bill somewhere in here! Nope! Bill nazi. No bill for me. Instead, I get change like Martin Luther King made it happen. I mean change like maybe 3 quarters change. Look out for the nickels, dimes, and all sorts of penny action making me feel like the worlds most frugal pimp.

Them: Hola.

Me: Hi, how are you? Need help with anything?

Them: *silence*

Me: Do… you… need help with anything???

Them: *points to paper in hand*

Me: Okay what do you need??

Them: *Looks at friend with puzzled look*

Me: Oh! You no speaky English. Okay, don’t move. I’ll be back. But you don’t even know what I’m saying. *Listens, but has no clue what they’re saying now*

Sex sells. People buy. My first sex encounter at this job was odd enough with a side of serious face. I’m at register, just learning the codes and such when in walks this dude who looks like Shaq with the height of Jadakiss. He storms in, I think nothing of it. He comes back  5 minutes later with condoms, enough KY jelly to coat 3 loaves of bread, and wipes. I got to admit the wipes did it for me. I guess he’s prepared for the anal leakage. As I look up from the items, he gives me this look, with sunglasses on that said very clearly,

Judge me and I’ll kill you, slim boy!

So I didn’t judge the man. He payed, 70 bucks, he left, I almost fell laughing upon his exit. I was hoping he didn’t turn around and crush me. He didn’t, for those of you concerned with my safety. All 1 of you. Hi babe :D!

The next strange sex encounter was with this lady who came up to pay for condoms, with what appeared to be her child. Her, over 40 clearly. Him, under 16 seemingly. He’s carrying the basket. He hands her the items, the fourth being condoms. So I look at him, look at her, look at him, adjust my eyebrows, look at her. Okayyyyyy. I wonder… are you, miss, buying this so your son knows you’re about to get some ass? Are you buying this for him to get some ass?! Maybe I’m just weird, but I’m old school like that. Parents and sex don’t mix. I could never see me going with my mom to get condoms. I remember the first time I got some and it was the most nerve wrecking situation of all time lol. Maybe one day I’ll spit it out over here.

Anyway, all in all, work kills me with the type of people that come in. Apparently, I haven’t heard anything yet though. My co-workers have far funnier stories to share. Maybe one day I’ll have those for you too. Who knows. All I do know is the next person to come up to me with 5 items, 5 coupons and 3 vouchers to try to make a 15 dollar purchase come out to 15 cents might get dropkicked in the neck area.

Word to your mother.


Comments on: "Coupon and KY Jelly Season" (2)

  1. Haha this is soo hilarious and soo true!! I used to work at JcPenney so I do not have any embarrasing product stories.. but I had a shit ton of non-english speaking folk and it sucked. Sometimes I would be working alone and I would have to decipher the persons language which is so hard!! I do not know if you are like me when you are talking to someone who doesn’t speak English but I tend to speak 10 times louder and mime out my words. It looks like I am putting on a show of sorts. I always wondered how cashiers at places like WG could keep such a straight face when someone bring something somewhat embarrassing up to buy. I giggle like a lil sally when I see someone even in the lubricant section of the store.. nevermind buying it!!

    • Hahahaha you get this! I do the whole show thing too. I begin to speak with my hands as if my fingers are the key to understanding. I hate having to do the decipher. Even if you know you’re alone you do the whole look around thing as if help is just going to be waiting on a shelf somewhere lol. Thank goodness I’m mainly on the floor and not the register. Damn thats terror. And I would always feel like people would judge me if I walked around with 3 packs of condoms in my hands lol. But I guess you gotta do what you gotta do right? Thanks for reading and commenting!

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